Thursday, 21 November 2013

For you.

One who doesn't understand your love, is incapable of understanding your pain.

I wrote this a few months ago, i had a feeling it might make sense sometime in the future. It finally does. This is for you. You have made me a bitter, withdrawn, and an incomplete human being. You have made me question my very existence, my purpose, my worth. You have made me feel like nothing i do will ever be good enough. It's funny, you were my best friend, you were supposed to protect me. You promised, you'll never let this happen and I believed you. I will never say this to you in person, call it my ego or whatever. I see you everyday, you seem happy and good for you but one day, i seriously hope one day, it hits you, that what you did was terrible. This goes out to you.

Was i crazy? Or was i just lonely?
How could i believe what you said.
I felt complete before you left.
Now i'm just a needle without a thread.
I've lost purpose, I've lost the light.
I've fallen apart, can't even put up a fight.
You'll move on, find the girl of your dreams.
I'll remain in the shadows, I wont even scream.
I might cry a little, but i wont die.
Death only comes to the living.
Tragedy only strikes those who fear it the most.
I was a desert and you were the apocalypse.
I remain a desert and you move on to your next hit.




Monday, 26 August 2013

The Scheme B of life.

Let me first explain where i found my inspiration to write this.

I am doing my LLB. Its a 3 year programme. We have to give 4 courses each year, if you fail any course you have to retake them according to the programme regulations. I failed two of my courses and according to the regulations, i need to retake those two subjects with one new course and shift to the 4 year programme. The four year programme is generally referred to as Scheme B of the LLB degree.

So, i am in Scheme B now. Why is it so important to me? Lets see. I had a plan. Do my O-levels, then my A-levels and then do my LLB. It's been my dream since i was 13 to become a lawyer and i planned for it accordingly. My father was strictly against it, i fought with him and finally got to where I am now, law school. The fact that it was a 3 year programme made me plan a little more, i would have been done by 2014, applied for the Bar or LLM, one year spent finishing either of the two and afterwards i was going to start working and then marriage. It was so simple. Everything was going according to plan and then Wham Bam Rockidyy dam, i failed.

Its a shocker of course, i have never failed at anything in my life. No wait, that's not true. I have failed at relationships, games, maintaining a love life, poker, being a good human being at times, basically all those everyday failures we all face, but never academically. I am a smart person and when it comes to the Law, i am good, really good. So you can imagine my disappointment. Its okay now, i have had time to deal with it, and i know what i have to do now, so its okay.

Scheme B. Its a setback. Its a change. Now i have to come up with a new plan. See, this is what got me thinking. I love planning things, and i thought okay, now that this has happened, i'll make a new plan but then i thought about it and i realized, plans fail. Plans don't work out, not when it comes to life. Life is too unpredictable. Especially the day you turn 20, it becomes even more unpredictable. Its the world of the unknown. Too much uncertainty. Maybe 0-30% stability. Your friends start getting married, your best friends get into car accidents, your parents expect you to start working and earning money or they expect you to find a guy and get settled, your younger siblings become even more annoying and the older ones expect you to be more mature.

The way it works is that the minute you're no longer a teenager, everything changes. The teenage years have their own issues and uncertainties but i think of those as minor and somewhat juvenile issues. You turn 20 and your entire world is upside down. You are busy. The assignments are harder, the workload is heavier, your friends are busy, you parents aren't always available and there is nothing in the world you can do to make it just like the old days because the old days are gone. Your young years are gone. You've either wasted them or enjoyed them to the fullest, either way it doesn't matter, cause that period of your life is over.

You can wake up each day, hating the fact that you have very little control over your life or you can just take the wheel, take it day by day, put in your best effort with everything that means something to you, your family, your work, your friends, your loved one. Give everything your all, be superman/superwoman. Its our time to make something of ourselves.

The Scheme B of life, the path where there is uncertainty at every end, next to a backstabbing bitch and whole lot of sleepless nights. The path that you're most scared of is in front of you, staring you in the face, and you have no where else to go but on that path. Its a journey you can't back out of. You have to take it. The only thing you can do is either make it the best experience of your life or give up, sit back and watch as the darkness of the unknown takes a hold of your body and leaves you completely empty.

Friday, 23 August 2013

Back from the dead? O.o

It's been a while. I have no idea why i stopped writing in the first place. It just happened, i got lazy. Yup, not even going to deny it. I just got lazy. So,What changed?Why am i here? I recently started writing letters to a friend. It made me realise how much I love writing and how much i missed it. I stopped writing the letters but i started feeling incomplete because it became a habit. Anyway, so I am back, for now :p

So. I wonder who's going to read this. Lets see. The point is not to attract attention, the point is to write, get my opinion out in the world. Those who are intrigued by it are always welcome to comment or criticise, though i hate criticism, but it's always welcome. I also need to improve my writing skills and my grammar so anyone with any helpful pointers or if you notice any mistakes, do point them out. I am here to learn. I am on the path to self improvement. It occured to me that I have lost a big part of myself over the last two years and for a long time i considered a few people who i could blame for it, but in the end, only I am to blame. I should be more focused and i should keep my priorities straight. It's actually the easiest thing in the world to just slack off and pretend like you have way too many problems, and for that reason you deserve a break from trying to make yourself a better and refined human being. The hard part is when  you realise you are deteriorating and you have to get off your behind and actually do something to fix it. Just a little helpful advice: Don't let yourself deteriorate. Dont settle for mediocrity. No matter what happens, don't ever pause the struggle for refinement. We are human beings. Our bodies will get weak, we will lose our memory and most of our brain functions. We will become invalids if we don't make a conscious effort for self improvement.

I suppose this post is good for a new foundation. I will try to write everyday. Hopefully, someone will read this one day. Don't be shy, let yourself be heard. Take care.




Tuesday, 14 August 2012

A letter to an old friend.

Hi,

The reason i am doing this here is because it will actually never get to you, i am just writing this all here because i need the world to know, maybe one day you'll stumble upon this but you wont be able to figure out if i wrote it for you or not. Anyway, so lets start. I have known you for think 5 years now and for the last three of them i have hated you, envied you, and felt a whole lot of unsettling feelings. As always, for you it will always be my fault. For me, its yours. There is no point in pointing fingers anymore, its been far too long and i have had this conversation with our only mutual friend quite a few times and even he agrees that it wasn't my fault, it was yours, but he'll never have the balls to admit it infront of you because he is scared of losing you. He is not scared if losing me, i don't matter much to him anyway, out of sight out of mind right.

I am not here to tell you who was wrong or who was right, i am just here to tell you that i actually thought of you as a friend, i actually tried my best to hide my pain and my suffering while you had your fun and made me look like the fool but i still tried to make it work, i still wanted to make it work between us. I gave it my all and you just took it for granted, you used me and when you were done with me, you said your goodbye and you moved on, where as i am still stuck here with all the scars. It must feeel good to know that you shattered someone so much that they can't even move on, Its been three years since i last heard from you and even till this day, my cuts haven't healed. You are probably asleep right now, all sound asleep, you have no idea i am writing this or that i even feel this.

Sometimes i think, if you found out how hurt i am because of you, you'd feel bad, you might regret doing what you did, but then reality hits me. You don't regret it, you never will, because you didn't care then and you don't care now. You had three years for confrontation, you never did once. Anyway, i don't want to make this long. I hope you are happy, i do cause i wouldn't wish bad for anyone, but i really do hate you for what you did and i hope one day you realise what you did. I am not looking for an apology, it wont change anything. i just want you to realise what you did.

take care,
Maryam. 

Monday, 16 January 2012

Change.

We all need change sometimes. There comes a point in our lives (In my case, it comes like after two-three months) where i feel as if i have been stuck in a rut, like a monotonous schedule of activities that just keep repeating themselves and i just stand there observing. I wont move my feet or my body, it'll just move itself. I wont be thinking about what i am doing, i just do it. Its like an involuntary action, like breathing, you know, it just happens. So how do i break out of the rut that i am in right now?

Its not just that, its like i know what i have to do to change things, to make things better, i am just either too lazy or too busy to do it. Of course the laziness is my fault, no one else is to blame for that one but how about the busy part? I mean i am 19 years old and one would say, exactly what are you busy with Maryam? and the answer is actually quite apparent. I have university and i have responsibilities at home, i feel as if i am supposed to take care of everything and since home always comes first to everything, i focus all my attention on getting stuff done in the house and by the time i get some space to breathe, its time for uni (I have evening classes). But is this what i am supposed to be doing at this age? What about enjoying life, what abou making memories? why do i feel married to my responsibilities? Is it because i was built this was or is it because i care too much? Am i a perfectionist? Am i way too concerned about how others perceive the way i handle things?

I mean i look around and all my friends are enjoying their lives. They dont have the kind of responsibilties that i do and its okay some people have it easier then the others or people have underlying issues or they hide stuff. i sometimes just come to the conclusion that i should just focus on studies and start my business(more on this one later) but i worry. What if that makes me a boring person? What if this is the things that kills me(i mean, emotionally) What if this is what makes me regret my life and to some extent resent my parents, its sort of their fault too, you know why i feel this way. Its not like they haven't given me enough, they have, but what if i want more?

Is it wrong for me to want more, to see how other people have things going for them and feel envious of their lives? Is it because of me or is it happening to me on purpose? Is this what has been written in my fate? So many questions, not many answers and for some weird reason i feel as if the answer lies in a dramatic change. So how do i bring about that change? I have a feeling its going to happen soon. I sometimes get these weird feelings about how life is about to change and it does change but i dont realise it.

I think i have written alot of crap down and it sort of makes me feel better, i guess writing can help alot. I really should start writing more blog posts. Anyway, i am out.

Okay.
Bye.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Apathy.

So i haven't written anything is such a long time. I am sorry guys, i have been busy. Don't worry, i still love all my readers and i'll have some better posts coming up. This one is just for me, like its a personal thing. You know how sometimes you have something you have to say but you can't say it to the person its meant for. Now usually what i do is keep stuff bottled up inside of me and not talk about it and then start bursting into tears at night. Sad, right?  But i have decided to opt for another approach, i have decided to just write about how i feel rather then just listen to sad music and cry about it.

So whats been bothering me? My friend. Lets call him assface. Yesterday, he told me that i need to stop caring and stop being the possessive bitch that i tend to be. Now i know, being possessive is not that good but how does one stop caring? how does one just start to feel nothing? should i start sedating myself? try alcohol maybe. No. I am not stupid. I mean, if one day you'll come to me telling me that i mean the world to you and then the next day you're all like oh no, i was just saying that you mean the world to me but only as a friend. Like what the fuck kind of crap is that? I mean, why can't assface stop mind fucking me and just get on with his fucking life? You know, if you want to just play with my feelings then just say so. "Hey maryam, i don't really care about you but yeah i'd still like to play games with you head, is that okay with you?" and i'd be like sureeeee man, and you know why cause atleast you had the FUCKING BALLS to tell me that you don't care about me. Attleast you had the mother fucking decency to be honest about how you just want to have some fun.

I am not a crazy person, i have beliefs and i am usually composed and happy. I love my friends and I really care about all of them. But there should be some sort of reciprocity. Like if i am willing to give you my time and my attention. If i am willing to give you importance in my life, then why can't you? if you can't then why do  have to take me for granted? Just let me go. Is it necessary for you to completely fuck me up mentally and then when i am completely broken and fragmented you decide to let me go? Life can be unfair. I have been through some pretty tough stuff(stuff that i can't talk about), which means that i can handle alot of crap but i can't handle heartache so well. You know why, because when you care about someone and they don't care about you at all, when you are willing to give someone your heart and all they do is tear it down, it really hurts.  so what should i do? should i just give in to apathy? trust me, i want to. I want to stop caring and start being a complete stone. I really do. but is that what this person really wants?

I know you guys don 't have an answer to all my questions and you probably think i have lost it. I probably have. I guess thats what giving a shit does to you. You start caring and rather than love in return, you lose your sanity. Love is just a game, there are winners and there are losers. The loser sacrifices and compromises and the winner gives a few minutes of love, which is the losers salvation.


Tuesday, 29 March 2011

A walk on the sands of our Homeland.


There was once a time, when millions fought together for their freedom, for a separate homeland, for Pakistan. It was a struggle that lasted many years and as a result, the Muslims of the subcontinent got their freedom, they got their homeland where they had rights and leaders of their own, leaders who were to lead them to a successfully running country, where children were all educated, where women had their liberty and men had pride in themselves and their country.



If, on this present day, someone is to read about the history of Pakistan, the views on it will differ. Some might cry, some may laugh, some might want to write about it, some may want to forget it all and then there will be those very few, who will be inspired. One might wonder what I mean by inspiration at this point, was I inspired by reading history? I was, but that inspiration came two years back and it went away, like when the waves touch your feet, you can feel the water for some time and then you walk away.

What inspired me actually was the current state of the country. Surprising, yes, it is. After the bomb blast in Islamic university in Islamabad, most schools and universities closed down in fear. After those few days of holidays, when schools reopened, I experienced a day full of discussions about terrorism and who is behind all these attacks, what will happen now and so on. What is funny is that, these discussions did not have much an effect on me; it was the difference in point of views. It is so amazing when u watch people fall in the hands of the enemy by just sharing a mere thought. Throughout the day, I heard different points of views on who is behind all of this. So it gave me an idea, the following few days, I talked to a variety of people and I asked them “Who do u think is behind these attacks and why do you think they are doing this?” and amazingly enough, most of them gave me an answer in complete contrast to each other. I realized at that point, if all of these people are asked to sit in one room and then share their opinions, it will result in chaos. They will scream, shout, and fight with each other to prove that they are right and the others are wrong.

Fights and chaos cause destabilization, which is what these terror attacks are meant for. Do you see now what I meant when I said “falling in the hands of the enemy by sharing a mere thought”?  What people need to understand is that blaming others won’t do any good, as there are no others to blame in this case. These people are from within our own country, they are amongst us and rather than catching them we blame those who may have nothing to do with this, and why? Because we are afraid of the reality, afraid of what might happen if they turn out to be people from amongst us. It’s easy to give in to a negative mentality and just blame the whole world for one’s own problems, what is difficult is to own up to them. So I ask; who are we? Are we afraid or are we fearless? Are we going to sit in our homes and blame others for mistakes of those amongst us or are we going to own up to them and Change?

At this point, many are afraid of leaving their homes, because they might get blown up, but did anyone stop to consider the shop keepers, the employees of hotels and restaurants, the junior staff of schools and universities. They did not even take a day off because they were scared. I asked the maid who is the girl’s bathroom attendant in my college, whether she enjoyed her holiday and her answer was “No, we even came on Sundays because we had cleaning to do”.

It is very easy to belittle something in front of you, to make fun off some place or someone but however it is rather difficult to accept one’s own mistakes and try to make a difference. I always wanted to make a difference, just did not know how to but now I know what I have to do, I am inspired; not afraid because I know that even though I might not breathe tomorrow, but, I did make a difference in the hearts of one or two.

Take a look at your country alone, don’t ask for anyone’s company, and just think why only us, there are many other Muslim countries in this world but why are we the centre of attention, why does anyone want to destroy only our homeland. Is it because we are fearless? Are they afraid of our potential, are they scared because we have acquired nuclear power? Are they afraid that just like once before, we all will stand together and fight for our freedom? Are they afraid of the strength of the Muslims? Yes, they are. We fought once before, we can fight again. We were fearless once before and no bomb blast, no armed man, no living soul on this planet can bring our homeland, our pride, our efforts down. It’s time to stand up once again and live up to the hopes and the dreams of Quaid-e-Azam and the millions who struggled with him. 


So when you walk on the sand of this homeland, look down at those who belittle it, be inspired by its beauty and those who fought for it and with pride say “ I Love Pakistan”.