Thursday, 6 October 2011

Apathy.

So i haven't written anything is such a long time. I am sorry guys, i have been busy. Don't worry, i still love all my readers and i'll have some better posts coming up. This one is just for me, like its a personal thing. You know how sometimes you have something you have to say but you can't say it to the person its meant for. Now usually what i do is keep stuff bottled up inside of me and not talk about it and then start bursting into tears at night. Sad, right?  But i have decided to opt for another approach, i have decided to just write about how i feel rather then just listen to sad music and cry about it.

So whats been bothering me? My friend. Lets call him assface. Yesterday, he told me that i need to stop caring and stop being the possessive bitch that i tend to be. Now i know, being possessive is not that good but how does one stop caring? how does one just start to feel nothing? should i start sedating myself? try alcohol maybe. No. I am not stupid. I mean, if one day you'll come to me telling me that i mean the world to you and then the next day you're all like oh no, i was just saying that you mean the world to me but only as a friend. Like what the fuck kind of crap is that? I mean, why can't assface stop mind fucking me and just get on with his fucking life? You know, if you want to just play with my feelings then just say so. "Hey maryam, i don't really care about you but yeah i'd still like to play games with you head, is that okay with you?" and i'd be like sureeeee man, and you know why cause atleast you had the FUCKING BALLS to tell me that you don't care about me. Attleast you had the mother fucking decency to be honest about how you just want to have some fun.

I am not a crazy person, i have beliefs and i am usually composed and happy. I love my friends and I really care about all of them. But there should be some sort of reciprocity. Like if i am willing to give you my time and my attention. If i am willing to give you importance in my life, then why can't you? if you can't then why do  have to take me for granted? Just let me go. Is it necessary for you to completely fuck me up mentally and then when i am completely broken and fragmented you decide to let me go? Life can be unfair. I have been through some pretty tough stuff(stuff that i can't talk about), which means that i can handle alot of crap but i can't handle heartache so well. You know why, because when you care about someone and they don't care about you at all, when you are willing to give someone your heart and all they do is tear it down, it really hurts.  so what should i do? should i just give in to apathy? trust me, i want to. I want to stop caring and start being a complete stone. I really do. but is that what this person really wants?

I know you guys don 't have an answer to all my questions and you probably think i have lost it. I probably have. I guess thats what giving a shit does to you. You start caring and rather than love in return, you lose your sanity. Love is just a game, there are winners and there are losers. The loser sacrifices and compromises and the winner gives a few minutes of love, which is the losers salvation.


Tuesday, 29 March 2011

A walk on the sands of our Homeland.


There was once a time, when millions fought together for their freedom, for a separate homeland, for Pakistan. It was a struggle that lasted many years and as a result, the Muslims of the subcontinent got their freedom, they got their homeland where they had rights and leaders of their own, leaders who were to lead them to a successfully running country, where children were all educated, where women had their liberty and men had pride in themselves and their country.



If, on this present day, someone is to read about the history of Pakistan, the views on it will differ. Some might cry, some may laugh, some might want to write about it, some may want to forget it all and then there will be those very few, who will be inspired. One might wonder what I mean by inspiration at this point, was I inspired by reading history? I was, but that inspiration came two years back and it went away, like when the waves touch your feet, you can feel the water for some time and then you walk away.

What inspired me actually was the current state of the country. Surprising, yes, it is. After the bomb blast in Islamic university in Islamabad, most schools and universities closed down in fear. After those few days of holidays, when schools reopened, I experienced a day full of discussions about terrorism and who is behind all these attacks, what will happen now and so on. What is funny is that, these discussions did not have much an effect on me; it was the difference in point of views. It is so amazing when u watch people fall in the hands of the enemy by just sharing a mere thought. Throughout the day, I heard different points of views on who is behind all of this. So it gave me an idea, the following few days, I talked to a variety of people and I asked them “Who do u think is behind these attacks and why do you think they are doing this?” and amazingly enough, most of them gave me an answer in complete contrast to each other. I realized at that point, if all of these people are asked to sit in one room and then share their opinions, it will result in chaos. They will scream, shout, and fight with each other to prove that they are right and the others are wrong.

Fights and chaos cause destabilization, which is what these terror attacks are meant for. Do you see now what I meant when I said “falling in the hands of the enemy by sharing a mere thought”?  What people need to understand is that blaming others won’t do any good, as there are no others to blame in this case. These people are from within our own country, they are amongst us and rather than catching them we blame those who may have nothing to do with this, and why? Because we are afraid of the reality, afraid of what might happen if they turn out to be people from amongst us. It’s easy to give in to a negative mentality and just blame the whole world for one’s own problems, what is difficult is to own up to them. So I ask; who are we? Are we afraid or are we fearless? Are we going to sit in our homes and blame others for mistakes of those amongst us or are we going to own up to them and Change?

At this point, many are afraid of leaving their homes, because they might get blown up, but did anyone stop to consider the shop keepers, the employees of hotels and restaurants, the junior staff of schools and universities. They did not even take a day off because they were scared. I asked the maid who is the girl’s bathroom attendant in my college, whether she enjoyed her holiday and her answer was “No, we even came on Sundays because we had cleaning to do”.

It is very easy to belittle something in front of you, to make fun off some place or someone but however it is rather difficult to accept one’s own mistakes and try to make a difference. I always wanted to make a difference, just did not know how to but now I know what I have to do, I am inspired; not afraid because I know that even though I might not breathe tomorrow, but, I did make a difference in the hearts of one or two.

Take a look at your country alone, don’t ask for anyone’s company, and just think why only us, there are many other Muslim countries in this world but why are we the centre of attention, why does anyone want to destroy only our homeland. Is it because we are fearless? Are they afraid of our potential, are they scared because we have acquired nuclear power? Are they afraid that just like once before, we all will stand together and fight for our freedom? Are they afraid of the strength of the Muslims? Yes, they are. We fought once before, we can fight again. We were fearless once before and no bomb blast, no armed man, no living soul on this planet can bring our homeland, our pride, our efforts down. It’s time to stand up once again and live up to the hopes and the dreams of Quaid-e-Azam and the millions who struggled with him. 


So when you walk on the sand of this homeland, look down at those who belittle it, be inspired by its beauty and those who fought for it and with pride say “ I Love Pakistan”.

Saturday, 26 March 2011

Why wont they let me post videos heree =(

Okay, so i have been trying and trying to post videos up here, and i constantly get this "your tag is broken" response. Its  really pissing me off and since i Don't know shit about computers, i can't do anything about it either.

Anyway, no worries, i have a very simple solution to this problem, but you guys will have to follow through, otherwise, there is no point in doing this. I am going to link two videos here. You guys have to watch them.

Okay so the first video is of Paul McDonald singing with Kendra on american idol's Hollywood week. Why am i making you watch this? Because i love Paul.

He is an amazing singer and and he is so Good looking. Just look at him man, isn't he like the sexiest guy ever? The way he sings, The way he moves. THE WAY HE DRESSES! I am completely and totally in love with him. Want to know something creepy and stalker type? I have decided to send him a fan mail. Yes, i am going to send a guy on American idol, FAN MAIL. I hope he reads it and i hope he falls in love with me after reading it and then we get married. Haha, I am just joking. No, all i want is for him to read it and to know that I ,Mariam Malik, wants him to win and that i love him and his voice. Anyway watch the video, fall in love with him too. Here is the link, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcUW1BNeevY

The second video is of this Airtel advertisement that i saw a few years back. It was the most inspiring advertisement that i have ever seen.


In the end it says, "One hundred thousand candles can end a war."
I believe in that, i really do think a hundred thousand candles can end a war, I don't know if you guys will agree. But, i believe in it and if you have any criticism for that, then i suggest you read the post below, Its called "start smiling for a change, bitch". Anyway, watch it, be inspired. Here is the link, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slpElBClGy8

Okay. Bye.

Saturday, 19 March 2011

Start smiling for a change, Bitch!

Okay Okay, i know. I haven't posted in a while. I am sorry. I have been busy with studies and friends and family. Sooo, yesterday, me and my friends had yet another sleepover (nothing too exciting,  it was just awesome). We did alot of crazy stuff. Umm no, not really, Just a nice time. me and girls had a little heart to heart where we explored our deepest and darkest memories. It was heart breaking. It was a good night, all in all.
But thats not what i am here to talk to you guys about. Today, i have a more important topic in my mind.
Guess it.

Okay, that was lame. How can u guess it and even if u do guess it, how'll i ever  know? Dumb, Dumb shit! Okay, so i am going to talk to you guys about "Haters". 

Not the ones in our school and generally in our lives, I am talking about  the internet haters A.k.a the ball less bitches. Yeah, they be pathetic. 

The thing is, if it was any other person, someone that i know, i would be like, okay, that person Hates me. Cool. But then, all of a sudden, a new breed of haters emerge and they raid our blogs like bloody cougars(Old women looking for some action). I guess this is what they do when they are sexually frustrated and secretly hate themselves from the inside. 

Now some people might say, whats the big deal? We all have them. You know, what i say to that.  Shut up, i know you all secretly want to die in a big black hole when you read a hate comment. Okay, that maybe a little exaggerated. But still, it sucks okay. No one wants to be hated. I know, i Don't. Anyway, this is not about us, the victims of  the  haters, this is about them. 

I mean, who the fuck are you? The blogs that we write, they are our FUCKING blogs. Its our space. Its about what we think. Its about out ideas, about how we see the world, the stuff that we like, the stuff thats important to us. Who are you to tell us, that our thoughts are stupid. Who are you to act cocky on our space? You want to be a dick, Write your own fucking blog. I know, i Know, freedom of expression. But if that applies to you mother fuckers, it applies to us too. You want to express your beliefs, your pathetic ideas, Join a haters club, or better yet, go to a medical facility. I am pretty sure, they have space for  you in the mental  ward. Actually, you don't even deserve to be in the mental, you deserve to be in hell. Thats where you came from. Thats where you'll go.

Your parents didn't teach you any manners. Thats why you are all up in our grills. Your parents probably don't even love you, they secretly hate you, hate your existence because your mother's birth control pills failed. Yeah, thats true. I said it. You were a mistake. That why you have so much hate in your heart. You  know, your existence is a fail, its actually a crappy existence. Why don't you just go kill yourself? Seriously, i am pretty sure, they'll allow suicide for your case.

I think i have said enough, the last thing i'll say to all you haters is that, if u try to just be appreciative and nice, If you just try to accept other people and their beliefs, Your parents and the people around you, might actually start liking you, really they might. So how about you give love a chance? Huh? How about you leave all the negativity you've built up inside of you and start being positive for once. Try it. It might even cure your deep seated daddy issues.

Okay. Bye.


Sunday, 13 March 2011

LISTEN!

All of you need to listen to this! The music is just amazing!The Violins, the Cello!
AMAZING!

Saturday, 12 March 2011

I hate the Title Box! I don't want to keep a friggin title!

SO hi Guys! How are you all today? I am kind of happy today. Actually i am not sure if i am feeling happy, I kind of had a very shitty day yesterday and i  woke up feeling sort of indifferent to everything. Its weird, but then again, i am weird. I am not weird in that "sit in the corner and look at people with a drunken look on my face" sense, I just have weird opinions and beliefs and ideas. I find weird things funny. I try to make people laugh alot, most of the time they end up laughing at me, rather than at what i say. And i smile all the fucking time. I don't really  know if thats a good thing or a bad thing, but i smile alot. I guess it is a good thing to smile, you know. Happiness is always a good thing. Now one might say, you smile alot, doesn't mean that you're happy all the time and i completely agree with that. I am not happy all the time. I am, usually, in a dilemma or i have a million things in my head to worry about.
For example, right now i am thinking about my upcoming exams, also the homework i have to submit on Monday, on the back of my head is the fact that i haven't posted on my blog in a while(what if people start leaving me), another thing on my mind is my past and people related to my past, and i am also thinking about one particular person(wont tell you who, what if that person reads this, Huhh? I'll be screwed).

Can you see how messed up i am, or at least i feel i am messed up. I feel its unfair that i alone, have so much on my head and then i think about all the other people in this world, who may have worse issues then i have(mine aren't  even real issues, just self created ones). Issues like a mortgage payment, no food, no water, earthquakes, economic recession, no home to live in, financial issues, death, Edward left me etc. I mean, those are real issues (except the last one of course, thats only for Bella). On a normal day, we all wake up and we have a million things on our heads, and we think they are the most important issues in this world for e-g, if i don't pass my test today, I'll kill myself, or what if  he breaks up with me? or if my parents will kill me if they find out i am secretly going out with this guy next door.

Its selfish, right? So much poverty in this world, Global warming, recession, death, and yet right now, all i can think about is my Business studies homework. So what is the answer? how can we be good human beings? You know perfect human beings. There is no answer. If we all could just be thankful, do our work on time, be mature from the day we were born, not waste time, be super intellectual, and at the same time, seriously good looking with the most amazing personality in this world. If we all could just have that, and be that awesome. Wouldn't life just be amazing?

But then again, it wont be life. It would just be a dream.

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

I LOVE BRITNEY SPEARS!


Yes, you heard me. I mean, how can you not love her? She is like my frigging childhood man. I mean i used to listen to other stuff to, but i mean i used to love Britney Spears! She was so cool.
I used to sing I'ma slave for you even though i had no clue what it meant. I LOVED "Over protective". Her music was like so catchy, even though it was shit slutty but i still loved all of it.
I mean "OOoppps, i did it again". Come Fucking on, you have to love herrr! I think the media ruined her, She was good, and then the media puller their crap and completely destroyed her because the media has nothing else to do. They like to mess with our minds! They like to fuck US UP! FUCK LIVES UP!
I love Britney, if you don't, you seriously are like deprived!
                                           JUST LOOK AT HER! SO FUCKING HOT!
My favorite song is "Touch of my hand". I used to listen to it while reading books and i was like so in love with it. It is actually a really nice song. 


Favorite outfit, Um mm, I think she looked really hot in the "me against the music" video but my favorite is definately the Gimme more one.
I know its shit slutty, but thats the best part about it. She doesn't give a shit! Thats what i admire about her! She don't care about your crap! She pulls off stuff like this! I love her for this!

I want to say so much more, but that would be like, stretching the point. I think i made my point, I love her. SHE  is awesome!
Okay, bye.


And one more thing,
Its Britney Bitch! =D



Thursday, 3 March 2011

127 hours.

What a Movie!
I mean, wow. I Just saw it, and I mean James Franco. He is amazing. The movie is Amazing. Download it now and watch it. I don't want to give details or anything. Just take my word on this and watch it. You wont regret it, you'll thank me for it.
James Franco's acting was really good, he really portrayed the character really well. I could feel myself there, like i could literally feel all that he must have been going through, it was really good.
Hats off, James.

Btw, he is Sooo Gooodd lookinggg! Like so Hottt!!!
Okay. Bye.

Friday, 25 February 2011

Imagine.

I want you to take a moment and imagine. Imagine a life, where you had the perfect life, the perfect grades, you got your degree, you were engaged to the perfect person and then one day, its all taken away. You are left with nothing and no one. You are locked in a place where you don't know anyone, you are surrounded by people just like you, but yet there is no one for you. No one to listen to you, no one to believe you, to understand what happened to you, what you've been through. How did you get here, no one to give you a second chance. You are locked away in a big establishment, but the doors to the outside world and shut at 5 pm everyday. You get to see the first hint of sunlight every morning at 6 am, but never the sun set. You get to eat, but never what you want to eat. You get to sleep, but only at the time you are assigned to sleep. You don't get to see your loved ones properly, only twice or thrice a week and that too through wall, covered with bars. How would you feel? 

Wouldn't it feel like death? You are slowly dying inside, but you have to stay alive in hopes of that one chance of release, sweet sweet release. For the first few years, you'll be hopeful, but then help never comes. You are stuck, you can't get out. You can't breathe, its just oxygen going in and carbon dioxide going out. Its never really breathing. Its just an excuse. All your dreams are out there, for other people to accomplish them. Your children are out there, being taken care of by some other Mother or Father. They are your children, its not fair, you don't get to see them, but you know they are alive, and thats the only salvation you have. 

Imagine a life like that. Tell me how you'd feel. I personally, would want to kill myself, but i wouldn't. I have to stay alive waiting for that day to come where i can finally see the sunset. This scenario it reminds me of a scene from this movie "Never let me go", where Andrew Garfield tells Carrie Mulligan to stop the car, and he goes out and he screams so loud, because he has no choice, he knows they both are doomed. They both will die, they will never love again and he wants out, he wants to love her, he wants his moment but he can't get it. I would want to scream like that, because i know what i want, but i will never have an out. I, too, will be stuck. Slowly dying from the inside, yet alive on the outside.

Its a life, no one wants to live, it sounds like suicide. Yet so many are living this life. They are all alive and well, but stuck. They can't breathe either. They are all dead from the inside or slowly dying of either real guilt, or from the pain of being wrongfully imprisoned.

This was dedicated to all those poor souls who are not guilty of anything but are yet sentenced to life imprisonment. I, personally, am praying for you all.


Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Whatsssupp Maa Bitcheezzzzz!

Thats what i say to people when i am greeting them. I have no idea why, it just comes out me likes babies come out of the bottoms.Its like my line now. "Whatsup Ma Bitchezz", and i say it to like almost everyone, even if there is just one person sitting there, i'd say it. So weird right. You know what else i say alot, "Son of a bitch". That just comes out of me instinctively and its not good(Kids, don't swear, its bad for you.). I started saying it after watching Lost continuously for like a two months straight. This dude, Sawyer(He is so fucking hot, Google Josh Holloway right now) he used to say it like all the time and like at every single thing, he'd be like "Son of a bitch" and i am like what happened to "Fuck this shit" and "Oh hell no, Mother fucker". Its like the writers were trying to like make an impression but what kind of Impression does "son of a bitch" make. One where people think you aren't that creative and you have some serious Mommy issues. What idiots man.
On a completely different note, i love Lost.

 Its one of my favorite programs. I saw all 6 seasons back to back and it was amazing. I can't really explain the point of the show, but what i can tell you is that it makes you think, every episode has a different lesson to teach and not weird dramatic lessons, lessons about life and different issues that people face. In my opinion, each person in that show is like a virtual display of different parts of every individuals personality. I know, its a very broad statement but thats my opinion and i can go into details but i have some serious homework ahead of me. Anyway, i highly recommend you guys watch it. I know its an old show and it has ended now and whatever crap you may hear about how stupid the ending was, if i must say so myself, it was stupid. Its still worth watching. Those who stopped watching it after the first season,"What the fuck is wrong with you, get the second season and watch it, finish the damn bitch". Those who were sad at all the deaths that happen later on,"Grow the fuck up, i was sad too but i didn't stop watching it".
I know i am being mean but i literally know who stopped watching it cause it was so sad after this guy who almost everyone loved, dies at the end of the 3rd season and what the fuck kind of shit is that? Grow some fucking balls, better yet buy some from the market and attach them to your body and save yourself some dignity. Watch the damn show.
At this point, some of you might be like, is she high? is she like crazy or something?
Well no, i am not high and i am not crazy. I am just super emotional right now and when it comes to lost, my emotions are just racing out of control. I have no idea why, I must have some serious issues. =/
No, i don't! Shut up! I am awesome! You have issues! Go die!

Okay. Bye.

Monday, 21 February 2011

Eeeeeeeeeee =)

So my awesome friend, the one i love like crazzyyy gave me this award!

 Fatima Nadeem, you are by far the best person i have ever met and i love you so so much! Guys, this is the link to her blog, Just follow her, she is awesome!
http://fatimanadeem.blogspot.com/

Oh and apparently i have to share something about myself. So, Umm, First of all, I am awesomeeee!Haha, i am sorry, i just say that all the time(I am not self obsessed). I love babies. I want to be a mother right now. (that reminds me, i  have to post about that emotional post that i was supposed to write a long time back and i didn't, i'll do it tomorrow). and ummm, what else can i tell you, Oh yeah, i care, I care alot. I care about everything and everyone. I pray for random people and i especially pray for random babies, you know, like if i am on my way to somewhere and i see a baby in a car, i just pray for them and their well being.
Anyway, thats all i can say right now!

I dedicate this award to Furree Kat. I think your blog is amazing and i think you are really pretty.
And to Aseela Haque, because i love her! And she is one of the most amazing friends i have =)
I love you Guys!
And Fatima Nadeem, You be the best Human ever. =)
I love you.
Okay, Bye.

Sunday, 20 February 2011

I can't fucking sleep. =/

GUYS, its 3 am, i have been trying to sleep since God knows when and i can't!
I am miserable right now!
I don't want to take sleeping pills and i  have school tomorrow. Someone should just kill me.
Insomnia makes me miserable! I don't want to cry, but i feel like i am going to.
God help me =(

My Beanie.

Hii guyssss! Sorry i haven't been posting in a while, i have been busyyyy! Well, you all will be happy to hear that i am feeling much better today. My fever is gone, my voice is back but bad news, i have to go to school tomorrow and there is homework that i have been putting off for like a month. I keep on telling myself i'll do it but i never do it =(
I am really lazy. I promised myself i'll do it today but....=(.

Okay well this post isn't about my lazy ass self, its about my beanie. Yes, I am going to talk about my beanie, its multicolored, its toasty and fuzzy and it keeps my head warm. Basically, it makes me feel awesome! Wearing it, i feel like a child again, its just the best feeling in the world. I usually wear it when i have oil in my hair or when i am feeling cold. My friends make fun of me, like only two of them saw me wearing it once and they thought it was really funny. Just Look at it

It doesn't look that bad? i don't think it does, what do u guys think?
Oh and it has a fur ball on top of it as well, wait i'll show you that too
Its not that bad, right?
Anyway, i love it, its awesome!
Tell me what you guys think.
Oh and yesterday was amazing, i'll tell you guys about it in my next post.
Okay.
Bye.

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Silver Lining =)

So, when i woke up in the morning, i felt like shit once again. I am sorry for all the negativity guys, i am a little out of my zone these days, if you know  what i mean. Usually, people all around me would hear me say "No room for negativity in my circle of positivity", like a few days back a friend of mine was telling me about how he got invited to candidate weekend for NYU-AD(thats the university he wants to get into) and i told him cool shit man, i am so sure you're gonna get in now and he goes like but only half the people who get invited to it get in and then i said my "No room for negativity in my circle of positivity" line, and i told him to look at it the other way, you know half the people who get invited get in, you are in that half. Oh BTW, pray for him, its like his life long dream to get in NYU-AD. You guys see what i mean, i am a really positive person. I hate being negative, but life makes u negative okay. I mean i am sure we've all had our share of events which have turned us to the darker side.  "We should always see the light", "Search for the silver lining", "Everything happens for a reason", these are all lines that people feed us to make us feel better about a situation and sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. But the thing is guys, they always work on me, i do believe everything happens for a reason, i know i whine alot but thats just who i am, however inside, i am just telling myself constantly "Its okay man, chill". I have been constantly whining about how sick i am and how i have vocal paralysis and how Edward left me and now there is a big hole in my heart (Oh hey wait, that was Bella)-Sorry, i just saw new moon recently, and just for the record, i hate the movie but Kristin Stewart, she does look pretty in it.
Anyway, so i know i have been whining a lot but its not like this sickness is completely bad, i mean i don't have to go to school, i get extra attention, my brother can't be mean to me, i don't have to do my homework, i get to eat fattening stuff and no one can say shit to me(yeah, take that Ajla, i can have fries and you can't! SUCKEEerrrr!)-Sorry, its an inside joke!Aseela, please make sure Ajla reads this and tell her I am awesomeee!
Yeah, so even though i am sick, i am getting benefits too. Awesome shit yo. be happy for me people!

Anyway, so there was really no point to writing this, i mean no hidden messages, no revelations, nothing! Just pure rambling! However, i will say this, things can be really shitty sometimes but trust me, there is always a silver lining!

The picture for some reason seemed really Silver Line-ish to mee, Lmao. =P
Okay. Byeee.

P.S. Aseela, you know how your name is not in the dictionary and every time i type it, the red line appears underneath it, well it annoys the life out of me, so i decided to add your name to the dictionary and so when i right clicked on it, the first word that appeared was "Asexual" and i laughed like crazy.(This was so random)

Okay. Byeee.

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

laryngitis.

I have lost my voice. I mean i can talk but talking hurts. Not being able to talk hurts me even more. I mean, i talk a lot. If given the opportunity, i would just never shut up and its not annoying talk, its good talk(thats what i think =P). So yes, and i have this fever too and its so annoying because i feel hot all the time, yet i feel cold. Its like horrible. I am sorry, i don't have any good stuff for you guys today, i am just not thinking right these days. I wanted to do a valentines day piece but there is like a glitch in my brain and its just making thinking  really hard. You know, i actually made a promise to myself, that i'll write at least one post everyday(Yes, i am weird that way), but i am not living up to my own expectations, what does that say about me? It says, i am stupid. Well, that i am, and a little crazy. I say absurd and weird things a lot, and do really weird stuff, this other day my friend was driving us around and there were these people walking in front of us, in the middle of the fucking road and they just wont move, and i am sitting in the front seat and i start screaming, without rolling down the windows, I was screaming stuff like "MOVE BITCHES", In my head i was like, "Fuck this shit, i'ma blow their heads off". Yes, i can be very wild and evil. And guess what, they still wont move. It was so annoying. Oh, i really want to tell you guys the details of what happened later, but not now. This post is only for my whining because i deserve to whine okay, i am sick. I mean, i can't fucking talk. Maybe, the heavens are trying to get back at me for something.(I am sorrry for whatever i did =(, just give me my voice back). And its not funny people, my sister is having a kick out of this, since she can't hear me blab all day but i am blabbing all right, i am blabbing in my head and its good Blab, okay. ITS AWESOME BLAB. People just can't deal with my awesomeness okay, thats why they tell me to shut up. Thats the only reason, i am tellin ya. 
Anyway, i am pretty sure, you all want to click that "UN-FOLLOW" button right about now, (is there one)?I am driving you crazy right? I am just weird that way. I am not going to apologize but i'll say this, stick with me okay, just wait till i get my voice back(Pray for me), i'll be writing awesome stuff in no time and you all will love me again.


Okay. Bye.

Sunday, 13 February 2011

Confusion.


Today is not my day. I feel the heavens are against me. I woke up feeling like shit, and spent the entire day feeling even worse, reason being, i am sick. I have the most horrible pain in my throat and my whole body hurts and i have a little bit of fever. I'll be fine soon, i know this because i am a fighter. Anyway, this is not the reason i feel the heavens are against me. The reason is that i am confused.
It happens to me at least once a week and always when i am sick. I get confused. What do you get confused about, you may ask. Its everything. Things just stop making sense to me(No, I am not high). I just feel as if life is a blur, its passing me by and i am sitting here doing nothing about it, even though i am doing everything an 18 year old is capable of doing. It sucks, doesn't it? I mean you are perfectly fine all day, you take a nap and you wake up feeling like an invalid. Why an invalid, because once you are confused, you are technically speaking, an invalid because confusion can make you loose your ambitions, it can make you want to just sit and do nothing. It makes me feel paralyzed. Yes, its true, confusion paralyzes me. I feel like i can't move, because i want to sit and think about whatever is confusing me. Worst part, i never get to the core. I just end up crying. I cry like a little baby, until i hear footsteps or someone coming into the room, thats when i quickly wipe my eyes, put a big smile on my face and pretend as if nothing is wrong. For those of you who might thinks its just a childish thing to do, well its what i do, whenever i am down, i just smile a lot, i don't want the world to know of my demons.
Anyway so today, for the first time ever i realized, confusion is no longer a problem because i can just write about it on my blog(this hit me around 8 pm) and so i started thinking about the stuff that i would write and guess what, i felt paralyzed yet again, this time only because i felt my mind wont move, i was just stuck, i could walk, i could move, i just couldn't think. I am the kind of person who would have a million things to say in a minute and yet today, i just didn't know what to say. I couldn't express myself and its killing me. One of the worst feelings in the world is when you can't express yourself, its like being illiterate even though you know all your ABC's. This feeling reminded me of a movie that i recently saw, "The reader". One of the most amazing movies i have ever seen, i loved it. I wont tell you the entire story, just that the woman in it(Kate winslet) was illiterate. There is a scene in the movie, where she is sitting in front of the judge and the judge asks her to write as a test, the expression on her face at that moment describes everything i feel right now. She didn't want them to know she was illiterate so she didn't write anything, she just confessed to the crime.
Can you imagine how that would feel, confessing to something that you didn't do? Horrible right.
Anyway, well thats it.. I couldn't think about what to say, so i decided i'll just write about my feelings and this is how i feel. Confused.

On a completely different note, one of my friends suggested that i should do movie and song reviews on my blog. What do you guys say? should i do it? do let me know.

Okay. Bye.

Saturday, 12 February 2011

Its hard to come up with titles at 1 am.

Guys, i am sorry for not writing anything yesterday, i was not at home. My oh so amazing friends came over and they took me out and then we had a sleepover. It was awesome. One of my friends, she can drive and she drove  us around and we just sang songs and i was constantly screaming at the slow people who wouldn't give us way. I mean, its a friggin road, Move the fuck away!! It was really annoying but it was one of the most amazing days of my life, I truly love you guys. I know some of you might be wondering, why all so lovie doviee over a sleepover? I'll tell you why, i saw this movie "Conviction" earlier in the day, It was amazing. Google it, no Watch it. You all will love it. Its about the relationship between a brother and a sister. Watching it made me realize how much i love my brother. I know he'll never read this, but i want this to be out there.
This is for him and for all the brothers out there.
"I love you, i love you more than you'll ever know. I know i am mean to you, i tell you to go away and leave me alone. I know i scream at you and sometimes i want to kill you because you annoy me to the core, but it doesn't mean i love you any less. Whenever i am sad or whenever i need a hug, i come to hug you(yes, i actually do that, i hug my brother when i need a hug) and you know why i do that. I do that because you don't ask me any questions, you just stand there and hug me back. You let me play Black ops with you and even though i suck at  it, you cheer me on. In simpler words, you make me feel good about myself. So if i die, and you are not aware of all this, Its all here. I love you so very much and i'll never let anything happen to you."

I know, this is very dramatic, but i just had to write this. Brothers are important. They are one of the most amazing companions you'll ever have. Love them to the core. Forgive them for their mistakes and let them know how amazing they are, every now and then because just like we all need uplifting sometimes, they do to.

This is dedicated to all the brothers out there. We (the sisters), we all love you.
Okay. Bye.

Thursday, 10 February 2011

'Dude, he just called you Sheila', "OH HELL NO, Hold my jawani".



Yes, The day has come. I am going to write about Sheila and her oh so amazing "Jawani", for those of you who don't know what jawani is, its Urdu for youth(at least thats what i make of it). Okay, so first of all, let me make this clear, i do not like that song. It doesn't make sense. The lyrics are "whats my name" "whats my name", "My name is Sheila, Sheila ki jawani(Sheila's youth), I am too sexy for you, mein terey haath na aani"(You are never going to get me). I mean tell me, if that makes sense to someone. It doesn't right!
Second of all, i do not approve of women using their bodies or their moves as a sex symbol or a display of their sexiness. I mean, think about it, Katrina Kaif, the woman in the video, for those of you who haven't seen it, just youtube "Sheila Ki jawani". Anyway, so as i was saying Katrina kaif, is actually a really pretty woman. I mean she is sexy and attractive. For me, i always used to think of her as being elegant and graceful. But seriously, just look at the video, is there any elegance there? Is there any grace?. It seems to be choreographed by a seriously sexually aggravated person. Just look at the dance moves, is this what you want your children to be watching as they grow up? Nobody does, and yet this song is like sung almost everywhere by almost everyone and at the most absurd times. 
I am not saying, i am like all crazy and that this is wrong and stuff. Its fine, do whatever you want. The problem is that this is mainstream now. Usually, these type of numbers were done by women like Rakhi sawaant and that was fine because it wasn't mainstream, it wasn't being displayed all the time on song channels neither was Rakhi someone that people would look up to. I know i am being mean in saying this, but it is true. She was practically a joke for so many people, i was indifferent to her but still. However, Katrina is someone we see all the time, she is in many advertisements, and quite frankly a majority of our population is highly impressed by her and this is something that people are quite aware of. So is it safe to say, that this whole song, or item number was maybe a way to get women to exploit their sexuality, i mean obviously Katrine does look really sexy in the entire video, so girls who watch this, wouldn't they want to be like her? Wouldn't they want to recreate the same moves as performed by her in the video? They would and is that good?
Anyway, i am not one to judge, everyone is entitled to do whatever they please. However, this is just a message from to me to all those impressed by Sheila ki jawani. You all are beautiful. If you want to be noticed, Be graceful and Be elegant. Don't be Sheila. Be yourself. =)

Okay bye.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Evil?

Yes, you read that correct. I am actually wondering whether i am evil or not. I mean, i can be really evil sometimes. I once sedated a rat, like i threw a pill of Valium on the floor(intentionally), hoping that the little rat(little bitch is more like it) would eat it. Anyway so once the rat was sedated, i took my shoe and i just smacked the rat with it and in my head i was constantly like "DIE BITCH DIE, YOU DESERVE IT".

In my defense, the rat did deserve it, i mean it was making me miserable for so long. SO am i like evil? or like a criminal. I think a person can only be truly evil if they have had their fair share of the 7 deadly sins (Pride, greed, lust, sloth, gluttony, anger and envy).


And i guess its safe to say, that at some point in life we all go through these sins. I mean, I know i have pride, i am not the greedy but i can be sometimes, and like sloth is associated with laziness and as you all are aware from my previous posts, i am shit lazy. Gluttony is like excess of consumption which i tend to do sometimes or atleast i think i do, I get angry very easily. The only two sins that are left are envy and lust. I don't envy people and i don't have any such sexual desires. So i am not evil but i have the potential to be evil. (Everyone does, Duhhh!)
It is kind of unfair, you know you have these feelings and these thoughts and you know they are there. You just spend a lifetime controlling them. For example, i get angry really quickly yet the only people who have actually seen me angry are my siblings, the rest of the world wont even believe how angry i can actually get.


So is it just the thought that we were sent here to do good that keeps us from loosing control, is it the fear of God, is it just our nature or is it the fear of being hated?
For me, its like all four of these, i mean it is in my nature to be in control of my thoughts(i hate it when my head goes in a million directions, its like a demon is taking over my brain), i fear God, i fear being hated and i do believe that i was sent here to go Good.


Do you see how confusing this all could be, i mean one could even argue that because of the reasons i just gave, we can't be our true selves. What if our "true self" is an envious, proud, sexually aggravated person. What then? I mean, wouldn't we be doomed?
Its funny, because everyone constantly places a high value on being real and true and stuff, but what if our true self is an evil killer?


I mean, i killed a rat, so am i an evil killer? I mean the fact is, i didn't feel anything for the rat, i just wanted it out of my life, i tried getting it out nicely, i kept a few doors open at night so it would leave, but it didn't. It just kept on coming back and making me miserable. I could never do the same thing to a human, but what if just like the rat there is a person who annoys me just as much? Would i kill that person? I mean lets compare this to another situation. A friend of mine would constantly say to me "Once a cheat, always a cheat". Could the same thing apply here? Its weird, right?
I mean this whole blog post is really weird, i keep on going back to the top to read what i wrote, hoping it would make some sense to me,it isn't! Maybe it'll make sense to you people. I mean, i always thought i was the happy, jolly, crazy person and here i am writing a very demented post.
And its funny, because i have the answer to all my questions. I know at the end of the day its all about choice, we choose to be good. We choose to do good over bad. We choose the good thoughts over the bad ones. I mean, the bad ones are still there but we regard them as "Satan" playing games with us. . I don't believe there is actually a being known as Satan. I believe its all in our heads. Its like an easy way to get out of a mistake, just blame it on Satan. But what if he doesn't actually exist, i already deny his existence as a being, i know there is something, i just think its more psychological than real but everyone is entitled to their own opinion(some of you will clearly disagree with me, but i'll respect that and i hope you'll too). Anyway, so what if he doesn't actually exist? what if its just us?
So then we are potentially evil, right?
I don't know what people will think about this post, but please no weird comments. I am just letting out what i am thinking.
Okay. Bye.



Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Blaaahhhh =/

Okay, so i haven't written the emotional post as of yet, reason being, i am trying to catch up on my sleep. Last few days were like super hectic and i was likeee Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah throughout and now its like i can't enough sleep. I have started to notice that my blogs are more whiny and less (how do i say this) "Bloggy" because like all i do is like whine whine and whine! Maybe i should see a therapist (oh hell no! I ain't no Bella).
Bella reminds me, i have to make a post about this twilight craze that people all over the world have. I mean its based on a girl who is too weird to fit in the real and thus she falls for the two people who actually don't belong in the real world (when is she going to realize that even they don't want her, screw you Bella). and then like when i was reading new moon, i actually skipped a few pages because i was so sick of reading Bella whine about how much pain she is in because the sparkly vampire left her(I just wanted to scream wake up bitch, vampires don't sparkle, they have sex with you, they bite you and kill you, dumb blonde)  and that she has a hole in her heart and she wants like an adrenaline rush because it makes her see Edward (more like a case of schizophrenia). I mean what kind of shit is that. 
I am not like totally anti twilight, because like when i started reading the books, i got really into them but then like after some time, i got so sick of this. I mean this type of "love" does not exist people. Weird girls don't seem attractive to vampires even though, in my opinion, Edward wasn't really a vampire, he was like a guy dipped in paint and glitter and he could run really fast (more like a combination of Flash-the superhero and a clown). Even so, no one likes weird people, i mean confidence is everything these days, its not the 18th century, its the 21st century man. People have sex in public places and don't get caught and Bella and Edward can't even have sex in Edward's own room because he wants to protect her "Virtue" (Chicken.)
This whole saga, in my opinion is like for 12 year old kids or adolescents who just hit puberty because they are only people who get the "I don't belong here" feeling that Bella has throughout the four novels.
Anyway, enough of criticism for today. I do recommend people to read it, i mean one should get all the knowledge he/she can get, even if it is about vampires who sparkle and werewolves who can change anytime they want (Jacob: Who cares about the full moon, i'ma do this twilight style).
Well, i am off. Okay, byeee!

Monday, 7 February 2011

Another day.

So today is monday, I gave all three of my tests today and they all went horrible. I mean, they were so shitty, i can't even explain and by the time i got home, i was so tired. I just fell on my bed and slept right away. No actually, i had lunch and i saw "the good wife" and then i fell on my bed and slept right away.
"The good wife", btw, is a good show. Google it.
Anyway, well today is like another ordinary day in my life. I made a bet with 4 of my friends about who'll loose the most weight in 15 days, all those idiots are running to the gym while i've made the most amazing plan in my head. Its risky because it involves a little starvation but i know it'll work.
So anyway, i have this thing in my head that has been constantly nagging me. I mean, i really want to write about it and its a very emotional and touchy subject, i mean its really personal. Its been on my head for a very long time, and i have been shit depressed because of it, i cried like a baby as well. Its bad, i just don't know how to write it. I mean it requires me to sit down alone, right a draft first, and it requires alot of thinking. That will be next blog post but it'll most probably take time. So my loyal 4 followers, don't leave me yet. I'll blog really soon, if i can most probably by late tonight.
Okay, i am going now. Bye.

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Headache =/

So my awesome plan to study like all day long didn't work out so well. i studied for one test, the other two are still left like i am in the process of preparing for the second one.. its really tough! And i have a headache. I had no intention to write this but i felt like i was betraying myself and my Loyal 4 followers by not writing! So i wasted alot of time today, and thats not good. Every Thursday (Thats the day when my weekend starts because i have classes only 4 days a week), so every Thursday, i tell myself i am going to study all weekend long and then i don't study and then every Sunday i tell myself, i am never doing this again, next weekend i will definitely study and the whole process repeats itself. I feel like i am stuck in a rut. And i know you guys must think, what a bloody nerd but studies are really important for me people, If u want to be someone, you have to study and work hard, otherwise you will end up like this

Sorry to the man in the picture though.(or maybe to the person taking this picture or maybe to alll of you who'll look at this.)
Anyway, so here i am writing absolute crap. I have Aloe Vera gel on my face. I just started using it because it makes the skin better. My friends might disagree with me, but i personally feel that i have bad skin and i am the kind of person who can't stand imperfections, so yeah. The gel is actually really good, i recommend it to everyone even those with perfect skin.
Well i am going to head out now, i want to sleep a little before i start studying again.
OMG, shit, something so bad just happened right now, it is a friends birthday and i completely forgot, like she just messaged me saying, WTH? Aww man, i am such a stupid head =(
I feel like crying now =(
Ah, i am going to go now and sulk.
Okay byee =(

Saturday, 5 February 2011

Good morninggggggg..

Okay, so Good morning everyone! If anyone is wondering, i did not study last night after my last post, i just wasted my time but today is another day (It is the only day). I intend to draw blood and study until there is nothing left to study (Pffft, dream on).
I don't really know what else to say, i mean i just woke up( and the first thing i do is write a blog, "geee what a life i have). Hahaha, actually its one of the better things to do where i live, I mean i live in karachi but far far away from the main city. The place where i live is called Malir. Its like a really pretty place, you know trees and flowers and birds and butterflies (No hot guys though), Only weird army people. Yes, this is the army base. I am the child of a woman in the army. I know some might go like "YOUR MOM IS IN THE ARMY", before you freak out, she is a doctor and she doesn't go fighting or near war zones or anything so keep your pants on.
Anyway, so i live really far away and there is seriously nothing to do around here, once you soak up the beauty of this place, thats it, thats all you're gonna get. I mean, its sad that i have to live so far away but its okay, i adapt to places very quickly so i don't care.
Okay, i really should go now, i'll have my breakfast and then i'll study. Okay byeeee.

lazinesssssssss!

Ahh, I am so screwed right now. I have like 3 tests on monday and i haven't even started. Oh God Kill me now. (No don't kill me, i am awesome). One is sociology, one is economics and one is business studies (For those of you who think business studies is easy, No! Your mom might be easy, business studies is not)
It is a lot to study but i am in no mood! I just want to lie down and keep on lying! I know i am really lazy. laziness is a bitch okay, i mean its like you are like active all the time and then one day you decide to just lie down and rest and then you just keep on lying and resting! I mean what kind of life is that, a really easy, nice, slow one or a sad, boring, depressing one.
Definitely, a sad, boring and depressed one. But its a disease okay. It just sticks to you.
Anyway, I should really study. I really want to study, but =(
yes, if you are wondering that is the face i am making right now.
Studies are so stupid, i mean they are like never ending and they take foreverrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I am not usually this whiny, BTW!
I don't know why i am whining anyway! I am awesome! You are stupid!
Yes, i am! Okay, bye!

Hello.

Hellooo people.


This is hard. Didn't think it would be, but it is. I mean, its my first post, i don't know what to write. Lets start from the beginning then. A few months back, i decided that i'll start writing a blog (initial idea was to write a diary  but a blog seemed better). Anyway, so i kept on delaying this and here i am. Writing my first blog post. For those of you who are bored, Its the first time i am writing so be patient.
Anyywayyy, so Ummm yeahhh. Its like talking to blank space, its better than talking to myself though which i do alot. No, i am not crazy (i checked by taking a few internet tests). I just sometimes like to you know think out loud, converse with myself and get things out in the open. I am a very complicated person. But who isn't.
So well, this is it. My first blog post. I am pretty sure no one will read this. Maybe with time i'll get some followers but not right away. Just so you guys know, i am open to comments and criticism. I'll bitch about you if you criticize me but don't worry, i'll come to love you all with time. So will you people. I am a very lovable person (FYI).
My friend Aseela writes a blog too. She is better at it then i am (Yes Aseela, you are). If you don't like my blog, you'll definately like hers. Its called "Spoken and heard". Google it, i am too lazy to put up links.
So yeah, well i am off now. I'll blog again in some time.
Lattterrr!