Sunday, 13 February 2011

Confusion.


Today is not my day. I feel the heavens are against me. I woke up feeling like shit, and spent the entire day feeling even worse, reason being, i am sick. I have the most horrible pain in my throat and my whole body hurts and i have a little bit of fever. I'll be fine soon, i know this because i am a fighter. Anyway, this is not the reason i feel the heavens are against me. The reason is that i am confused.
It happens to me at least once a week and always when i am sick. I get confused. What do you get confused about, you may ask. Its everything. Things just stop making sense to me(No, I am not high). I just feel as if life is a blur, its passing me by and i am sitting here doing nothing about it, even though i am doing everything an 18 year old is capable of doing. It sucks, doesn't it? I mean you are perfectly fine all day, you take a nap and you wake up feeling like an invalid. Why an invalid, because once you are confused, you are technically speaking, an invalid because confusion can make you loose your ambitions, it can make you want to just sit and do nothing. It makes me feel paralyzed. Yes, its true, confusion paralyzes me. I feel like i can't move, because i want to sit and think about whatever is confusing me. Worst part, i never get to the core. I just end up crying. I cry like a little baby, until i hear footsteps or someone coming into the room, thats when i quickly wipe my eyes, put a big smile on my face and pretend as if nothing is wrong. For those of you who might thinks its just a childish thing to do, well its what i do, whenever i am down, i just smile a lot, i don't want the world to know of my demons.
Anyway so today, for the first time ever i realized, confusion is no longer a problem because i can just write about it on my blog(this hit me around 8 pm) and so i started thinking about the stuff that i would write and guess what, i felt paralyzed yet again, this time only because i felt my mind wont move, i was just stuck, i could walk, i could move, i just couldn't think. I am the kind of person who would have a million things to say in a minute and yet today, i just didn't know what to say. I couldn't express myself and its killing me. One of the worst feelings in the world is when you can't express yourself, its like being illiterate even though you know all your ABC's. This feeling reminded me of a movie that i recently saw, "The reader". One of the most amazing movies i have ever seen, i loved it. I wont tell you the entire story, just that the woman in it(Kate winslet) was illiterate. There is a scene in the movie, where she is sitting in front of the judge and the judge asks her to write as a test, the expression on her face at that moment describes everything i feel right now. She didn't want them to know she was illiterate so she didn't write anything, she just confessed to the crime.
Can you imagine how that would feel, confessing to something that you didn't do? Horrible right.
Anyway, well thats it.. I couldn't think about what to say, so i decided i'll just write about my feelings and this is how i feel. Confused.

On a completely different note, one of my friends suggested that i should do movie and song reviews on my blog. What do you guys say? should i do it? do let me know.

Okay. Bye.

8 comments:

  1. Maryam, I totally get what you're coming from. And despite your confusion, you expressed yourself pretty well. :)

    AND YES DO REVIEWS.

    (Iamthefriendwhosuggestedthething)

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  2. where you're coming from*

    God, I'm a moron.

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  3. You Make me feel good Aseeeeeeeeeeeela =)

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  4. I Have laryngitis, i feel like shit =(
    doctors told me to not speak for 5 days =(

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  5. I have seen The Reader, it was an amazing flick. Really heartfelt and sad.

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