Wednesday, 9 February 2011


Yes, you read that correct. I am actually wondering whether i am evil or not. I mean, i can be really evil sometimes. I once sedated a rat, like i threw a pill of Valium on the floor(intentionally), hoping that the little rat(little bitch is more like it) would eat it. Anyway so once the rat was sedated, i took my shoe and i just smacked the rat with it and in my head i was constantly like "DIE BITCH DIE, YOU DESERVE IT".

In my defense, the rat did deserve it, i mean it was making me miserable for so long. SO am i like evil? or like a criminal. I think a person can only be truly evil if they have had their fair share of the 7 deadly sins (Pride, greed, lust, sloth, gluttony, anger and envy).

And i guess its safe to say, that at some point in life we all go through these sins. I mean, I know i have pride, i am not the greedy but i can be sometimes, and like sloth is associated with laziness and as you all are aware from my previous posts, i am shit lazy. Gluttony is like excess of consumption which i tend to do sometimes or atleast i think i do, I get angry very easily. The only two sins that are left are envy and lust. I don't envy people and i don't have any such sexual desires. So i am not evil but i have the potential to be evil. (Everyone does, Duhhh!)
It is kind of unfair, you know you have these feelings and these thoughts and you know they are there. You just spend a lifetime controlling them. For example, i get angry really quickly yet the only people who have actually seen me angry are my siblings, the rest of the world wont even believe how angry i can actually get.

So is it just the thought that we were sent here to do good that keeps us from loosing control, is it the fear of God, is it just our nature or is it the fear of being hated?
For me, its like all four of these, i mean it is in my nature to be in control of my thoughts(i hate it when my head goes in a million directions, its like a demon is taking over my brain), i fear God, i fear being hated and i do believe that i was sent here to go Good.

Do you see how confusing this all could be, i mean one could even argue that because of the reasons i just gave, we can't be our true selves. What if our "true self" is an envious, proud, sexually aggravated person. What then? I mean, wouldn't we be doomed?
Its funny, because everyone constantly places a high value on being real and true and stuff, but what if our true self is an evil killer?

I mean, i killed a rat, so am i an evil killer? I mean the fact is, i didn't feel anything for the rat, i just wanted it out of my life, i tried getting it out nicely, i kept a few doors open at night so it would leave, but it didn't. It just kept on coming back and making me miserable. I could never do the same thing to a human, but what if just like the rat there is a person who annoys me just as much? Would i kill that person? I mean lets compare this to another situation. A friend of mine would constantly say to me "Once a cheat, always a cheat". Could the same thing apply here? Its weird, right?
I mean this whole blog post is really weird, i keep on going back to the top to read what i wrote, hoping it would make some sense to me,it isn't! Maybe it'll make sense to you people. I mean, i always thought i was the happy, jolly, crazy person and here i am writing a very demented post.
And its funny, because i have the answer to all my questions. I know at the end of the day its all about choice, we choose to be good. We choose to do good over bad. We choose the good thoughts over the bad ones. I mean, the bad ones are still there but we regard them as "Satan" playing games with us. . I don't believe there is actually a being known as Satan. I believe its all in our heads. Its like an easy way to get out of a mistake, just blame it on Satan. But what if he doesn't actually exist, i already deny his existence as a being, i know there is something, i just think its more psychological than real but everyone is entitled to their own opinion(some of you will clearly disagree with me, but i'll respect that and i hope you'll too). Anyway, so what if he doesn't actually exist? what if its just us?
So then we are potentially evil, right?
I don't know what people will think about this post, but please no weird comments. I am just letting out what i am thinking.
Okay. Bye.


  1. MARYAM! YOU RAT MURDERER. This kind of actually made me think. And you're sort of right.

  2. We all have the desires to do good and to do evil, and I suppose its a 24/7 battle. Like some of the most notorious serial killers in mankind's history have been well mannered soft spoken, mild natured men. (on surface anyway, Ted Bundy is one case in point)

    The post wasnt really weird, but, if anything, was honest to the bone.

    To be honest, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Not often you get to read something honest these days ...

  3. AGL, I have like a giant literary crush on you. Thought I'd let you know.

  4. @Aseela, Lol.
    @AGL, Thanks. I am just wondering though, whats your real name?