Thursday, 6 October 2011

Apathy.

So i haven't written anything is such a long time. I am sorry guys, i have been busy. Don't worry, i still love all my readers and i'll have some better posts coming up. This one is just for me, like its a personal thing. You know how sometimes you have something you have to say but you can't say it to the person its meant for. Now usually what i do is keep stuff bottled up inside of me and not talk about it and then start bursting into tears at night. Sad, right?  But i have decided to opt for another approach, i have decided to just write about how i feel rather then just listen to sad music and cry about it.

So whats been bothering me? My friend. Lets call him assface. Yesterday, he told me that i need to stop caring and stop being the possessive bitch that i tend to be. Now i know, being possessive is not that good but how does one stop caring? how does one just start to feel nothing? should i start sedating myself? try alcohol maybe. No. I am not stupid. I mean, if one day you'll come to me telling me that i mean the world to you and then the next day you're all like oh no, i was just saying that you mean the world to me but only as a friend. Like what the fuck kind of crap is that? I mean, why can't assface stop mind fucking me and just get on with his fucking life? You know, if you want to just play with my feelings then just say so. "Hey maryam, i don't really care about you but yeah i'd still like to play games with you head, is that okay with you?" and i'd be like sureeeee man, and you know why cause atleast you had the FUCKING BALLS to tell me that you don't care about me. Attleast you had the mother fucking decency to be honest about how you just want to have some fun.

I am not a crazy person, i have beliefs and i am usually composed and happy. I love my friends and I really care about all of them. But there should be some sort of reciprocity. Like if i am willing to give you my time and my attention. If i am willing to give you importance in my life, then why can't you? if you can't then why do  have to take me for granted? Just let me go. Is it necessary for you to completely fuck me up mentally and then when i am completely broken and fragmented you decide to let me go? Life can be unfair. I have been through some pretty tough stuff(stuff that i can't talk about), which means that i can handle alot of crap but i can't handle heartache so well. You know why, because when you care about someone and they don't care about you at all, when you are willing to give someone your heart and all they do is tear it down, it really hurts.  so what should i do? should i just give in to apathy? trust me, i want to. I want to stop caring and start being a complete stone. I really do. but is that what this person really wants?

I know you guys don 't have an answer to all my questions and you probably think i have lost it. I probably have. I guess thats what giving a shit does to you. You start caring and rather than love in return, you lose your sanity. Love is just a game, there are winners and there are losers. The loser sacrifices and compromises and the winner gives a few minutes of love, which is the losers salvation.


1 comment:

  1. You should keep loves and care about him... one fine morning when he did nt sleep full night and just thought who's mine... then he will comes to you and may be he will silintly says to you.. I am sorry.. I was very unlucky who did't understand your feelings...and You was really caring about me and i did nt got any one who cares about me like You ..
    So Miss Maryam just Wait For That time.... Bcoz ( Khuda K ghar Dair hAI andhair nahi )
    s0O JUST WAIT FOR that time..!

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