Tuesday, 14 August 2012

A letter to an old friend.

Hi,

The reason i am doing this here is because it will actually never get to you, i am just writing this all here because i need the world to know, maybe one day you'll stumble upon this but you wont be able to figure out if i wrote it for you or not. Anyway, so lets start. I have known you for think 5 years now and for the last three of them i have hated you, envied you, and felt a whole lot of unsettling feelings. As always, for you it will always be my fault. For me, its yours. There is no point in pointing fingers anymore, its been far too long and i have had this conversation with our only mutual friend quite a few times and even he agrees that it wasn't my fault, it was yours, but he'll never have the balls to admit it infront of you because he is scared of losing you. He is not scared if losing me, i don't matter much to him anyway, out of sight out of mind right.

I am not here to tell you who was wrong or who was right, i am just here to tell you that i actually thought of you as a friend, i actually tried my best to hide my pain and my suffering while you had your fun and made me look like the fool but i still tried to make it work, i still wanted to make it work between us. I gave it my all and you just took it for granted, you used me and when you were done with me, you said your goodbye and you moved on, where as i am still stuck here with all the scars. It must feeel good to know that you shattered someone so much that they can't even move on, Its been three years since i last heard from you and even till this day, my cuts haven't healed. You are probably asleep right now, all sound asleep, you have no idea i am writing this or that i even feel this.

Sometimes i think, if you found out how hurt i am because of you, you'd feel bad, you might regret doing what you did, but then reality hits me. You don't regret it, you never will, because you didn't care then and you don't care now. You had three years for confrontation, you never did once. Anyway, i don't want to make this long. I hope you are happy, i do cause i wouldn't wish bad for anyone, but i really do hate you for what you did and i hope one day you realise what you did. I am not looking for an apology, it wont change anything. i just want you to realise what you did.

take care,
Maryam. 

Monday, 16 January 2012

Change.

We all need change sometimes. There comes a point in our lives (In my case, it comes like after two-three months) where i feel as if i have been stuck in a rut, like a monotonous schedule of activities that just keep repeating themselves and i just stand there observing. I wont move my feet or my body, it'll just move itself. I wont be thinking about what i am doing, i just do it. Its like an involuntary action, like breathing, you know, it just happens. So how do i break out of the rut that i am in right now?

Its not just that, its like i know what i have to do to change things, to make things better, i am just either too lazy or too busy to do it. Of course the laziness is my fault, no one else is to blame for that one but how about the busy part? I mean i am 19 years old and one would say, exactly what are you busy with Maryam? and the answer is actually quite apparent. I have university and i have responsibilities at home, i feel as if i am supposed to take care of everything and since home always comes first to everything, i focus all my attention on getting stuff done in the house and by the time i get some space to breathe, its time for uni (I have evening classes). But is this what i am supposed to be doing at this age? What about enjoying life, what abou making memories? why do i feel married to my responsibilities? Is it because i was built this was or is it because i care too much? Am i a perfectionist? Am i way too concerned about how others perceive the way i handle things?

I mean i look around and all my friends are enjoying their lives. They dont have the kind of responsibilties that i do and its okay some people have it easier then the others or people have underlying issues or they hide stuff. i sometimes just come to the conclusion that i should just focus on studies and start my business(more on this one later) but i worry. What if that makes me a boring person? What if this is the things that kills me(i mean, emotionally) What if this is what makes me regret my life and to some extent resent my parents, its sort of their fault too, you know why i feel this way. Its not like they haven't given me enough, they have, but what if i want more?

Is it wrong for me to want more, to see how other people have things going for them and feel envious of their lives? Is it because of me or is it happening to me on purpose? Is this what has been written in my fate? So many questions, not many answers and for some weird reason i feel as if the answer lies in a dramatic change. So how do i bring about that change? I have a feeling its going to happen soon. I sometimes get these weird feelings about how life is about to change and it does change but i dont realise it.

I think i have written alot of crap down and it sort of makes me feel better, i guess writing can help alot. I really should start writing more blog posts. Anyway, i am out.

Okay.
Bye.