Thursday, 21 November 2013

For you.

One who doesn't understand your love, is incapable of understanding your pain.

I wrote this a few months ago, i had a feeling it might make sense sometime in the future. It finally does. This is for you. You have made me a bitter, withdrawn, and an incomplete human being. You have made me question my very existence, my purpose, my worth. You have made me feel like nothing i do will ever be good enough. It's funny, you were my best friend, you were supposed to protect me. You promised, you'll never let this happen and I believed you. I will never say this to you in person, call it my ego or whatever. I see you everyday, you seem happy and good for you but one day, i seriously hope one day, it hits you, that what you did was terrible. This goes out to you.

Was i crazy? Or was i just lonely?
How could i believe what you said.
I felt complete before you left.
Now i'm just a needle without a thread.
I've lost purpose, I've lost the light.
I've fallen apart, can't even put up a fight.
You'll move on, find the girl of your dreams.
I'll remain in the shadows, I wont even scream.
I might cry a little, but i wont die.
Death only comes to the living.
Tragedy only strikes those who fear it the most.
I was a desert and you were the apocalypse.
I remain a desert and you move on to your next hit.




Monday, 26 August 2013

The Scheme B of life.

Let me first explain where i found my inspiration to write this.

I am doing my LLB. Its a 3 year programme. We have to give 4 courses each year, if you fail any course you have to retake them according to the programme regulations. I failed two of my courses and according to the regulations, i need to retake those two subjects with one new course and shift to the 4 year programme. The four year programme is generally referred to as Scheme B of the LLB degree.

So, i am in Scheme B now. Why is it so important to me? Lets see. I had a plan. Do my O-levels, then my A-levels and then do my LLB. It's been my dream since i was 13 to become a lawyer and i planned for it accordingly. My father was strictly against it, i fought with him and finally got to where I am now, law school. The fact that it was a 3 year programme made me plan a little more, i would have been done by 2014, applied for the Bar or LLM, one year spent finishing either of the two and afterwards i was going to start working and then marriage. It was so simple. Everything was going according to plan and then Wham Bam Rockidyy dam, i failed.

Its a shocker of course, i have never failed at anything in my life. No wait, that's not true. I have failed at relationships, games, maintaining a love life, poker, being a good human being at times, basically all those everyday failures we all face, but never academically. I am a smart person and when it comes to the Law, i am good, really good. So you can imagine my disappointment. Its okay now, i have had time to deal with it, and i know what i have to do now, so its okay.

Scheme B. Its a setback. Its a change. Now i have to come up with a new plan. See, this is what got me thinking. I love planning things, and i thought okay, now that this has happened, i'll make a new plan but then i thought about it and i realized, plans fail. Plans don't work out, not when it comes to life. Life is too unpredictable. Especially the day you turn 20, it becomes even more unpredictable. Its the world of the unknown. Too much uncertainty. Maybe 0-30% stability. Your friends start getting married, your best friends get into car accidents, your parents expect you to start working and earning money or they expect you to find a guy and get settled, your younger siblings become even more annoying and the older ones expect you to be more mature.

The way it works is that the minute you're no longer a teenager, everything changes. The teenage years have their own issues and uncertainties but i think of those as minor and somewhat juvenile issues. You turn 20 and your entire world is upside down. You are busy. The assignments are harder, the workload is heavier, your friends are busy, you parents aren't always available and there is nothing in the world you can do to make it just like the old days because the old days are gone. Your young years are gone. You've either wasted them or enjoyed them to the fullest, either way it doesn't matter, cause that period of your life is over.

You can wake up each day, hating the fact that you have very little control over your life or you can just take the wheel, take it day by day, put in your best effort with everything that means something to you, your family, your work, your friends, your loved one. Give everything your all, be superman/superwoman. Its our time to make something of ourselves.

The Scheme B of life, the path where there is uncertainty at every end, next to a backstabbing bitch and whole lot of sleepless nights. The path that you're most scared of is in front of you, staring you in the face, and you have no where else to go but on that path. Its a journey you can't back out of. You have to take it. The only thing you can do is either make it the best experience of your life or give up, sit back and watch as the darkness of the unknown takes a hold of your body and leaves you completely empty.

Friday, 23 August 2013

Back from the dead? O.o

It's been a while. I have no idea why i stopped writing in the first place. It just happened, i got lazy. Yup, not even going to deny it. I just got lazy. So,What changed?Why am i here? I recently started writing letters to a friend. It made me realise how much I love writing and how much i missed it. I stopped writing the letters but i started feeling incomplete because it became a habit. Anyway, so I am back, for now :p

So. I wonder who's going to read this. Lets see. The point is not to attract attention, the point is to write, get my opinion out in the world. Those who are intrigued by it are always welcome to comment or criticise, though i hate criticism, but it's always welcome. I also need to improve my writing skills and my grammar so anyone with any helpful pointers or if you notice any mistakes, do point them out. I am here to learn. I am on the path to self improvement. It occured to me that I have lost a big part of myself over the last two years and for a long time i considered a few people who i could blame for it, but in the end, only I am to blame. I should be more focused and i should keep my priorities straight. It's actually the easiest thing in the world to just slack off and pretend like you have way too many problems, and for that reason you deserve a break from trying to make yourself a better and refined human being. The hard part is when  you realise you are deteriorating and you have to get off your behind and actually do something to fix it. Just a little helpful advice: Don't let yourself deteriorate. Dont settle for mediocrity. No matter what happens, don't ever pause the struggle for refinement. We are human beings. Our bodies will get weak, we will lose our memory and most of our brain functions. We will become invalids if we don't make a conscious effort for self improvement.

I suppose this post is good for a new foundation. I will try to write everyday. Hopefully, someone will read this one day. Don't be shy, let yourself be heard. Take care.